I Will Dedicate Everything to My Mother, Including This
My mother is the gentlest giant in the village.
She got big ankles, big arms, big legs, big nose, big neck and big glands,
but somewhat normal sized head.
Her big heart pumps the most blood to her giant hands,
which leaves her normal sized head rather unattained.
When she tried to put two and two together,
for her it was just two twos rather than a four.
She shouted: look! two two arms over yonder!
I said: No ma, it’s a farm you’re bothering the farmer.
She shouted: look two two rain men walking down!
I said: No ma, it’s not Dustin Hoffman,
nothing special about a foreign man in town.
She shouted: Let’s go to the cottage and stay two two nights.
I said: It’s a fortnight but close enough alright.
I said: Mom go pick a fork.
She shouted: What do you mean Pikachuchu is there a rat?
I said: Oh forget about it!
She shouted: Two to get what?
I said: For fuck sake!
“Two two fuck sake?”
I just left.
Our conversation irks me daily.
But I have to do her justice
to inform you, that her strength was not reciting dictionary.
She could sculpt as tiny as a tardigrade child.
She could embroider as tiny as a brain cell.
The magical conjurer who could summon microscopical beauty unimaginable.
Who has the biggest hands in the town,
So imagine that!
Oh,Please do imagine that!
Ok, If you can’t imagine there must be something frying in your brainpan.
She could probably fix that for you with her deftly hands,
if you trust her brain which possesses no knowledge of a neurosurgeon.
“Oh who are you to talk all these ballocks?”
you might ask.
I am the family disgrace a young bard.
who spew out words like a string of farts.
who failed at studying craft and art.
who would only move his fingers for a game of dart.
For me being crafty is just so hard,
I could not even make a playing card.
Mother wishes I could inherit her business,
but the only thing I am good at is whistling with my anus.
With the ego I have in me,
I am always eager to part my cheeks,
to people in a dark alley.
A clear beautiful whistle is always the least they expect from an expose anus,
That’s why none of them failed to cackle like mad hyenas.
I thought: fuck it, if I start charging,
I might just make a living!
I started doing the whistle in a pub’s basement.
I covered my head with a white sheet to save some family embarrassment.
But walls have ears and people have eyes,
Besides on my publicity posters my face I don’t hide.
I thought my mother hates me,
what doesn’t help is my sister could learn the crafty trickeries.
When they started calling my mother mama A hole,
I knew “oh well, it’s time to hit the road.”
My mom came to my send off party,
which means it’s just my mom, my dad, my sister and me.
Mom asked “Are you sure you’re ready kid?”
I patted my trousers and said
“All I need is safely packed in my panties.”
Mom gave me her thimble
and told me:
“Here, take this
and use is as a cheese grater,
this will help you fart better.”
This time I didn’t bother
to tell her a whistle is different from a fart.
I started my road show
to people’s home I brought my special skill.
Gathered at the local theaters
People were amazed and cheer with wonder.
But in their heads the cogs were turning:
Is murder a crime less heinous?
than this thing I witnessed the whistling anus?
I didn’t make this up because I know,
the hate, the annoyance from people are real.
Once I thought people are telling a joke
when they threatened to rip me a new asshole
until my ass got stabbed on stage
the air just leaked out when I tried to blow
I had to go to the hospital.
Another time I was pissing in the urinal,
when the guy next to me started to heckle.
“You have the ugliest ass on earth,
Seeing it is as painful as eating dirt.”
I shouted “Get the fuck out this one second
Otherwise I will show you my powerful bottom!!”
It’s been a long time since I go home,
but my mother always phones.
She always says she is really proud,
I ask my mother what about?
“oh you know, you can travel the country up and down
you are such a nice kid, a brilliant son.”
That’s really it,
she complimented my skill on catching a train.
One day I had to play a regional art center in a town,
skint money resided me amongst the monks.
In this old beaten church,
in a tiny confession booth I sat.
I said “Father I’ve done some dirty deeds,
I meant good but I always have been called nasty.
I should then not perform,
but truth be told those name-calling gave me the kicks.”
The priest said “No worries my son,
how bad could a performance be?”
I knew with words he wouldn’t believe.
I went to the next booth
he asked “why the sudden intrusion?”
The face wouldn’t draw his recognition.
So I had to pull down my trousers.
He recognized the ass cheek he yelled
“Oh god you nasty devil
get out of my church.”
Another day I was arrested by police,
The accusation of assaulting an old lady
with the power of public indecency.
“I was told the man has a birthmark on his ass cheek”
“Oh no mine is a stab wound double check please.”
I had to call my mom for help,
I couldn’t believe she posted bail.
I told her what happened she wasn’t mad,
she said: “oh child, you always makes me laugh.”
Out of the police station I suddenly thought,
this is the first time I want to declare love.
My mother loves me and I love her,
An unprecedented event in the past 28 years.
How could she kept this loveless monster
so long in her cradle to care to foster?
Is it too late
to learn another trade?
Or will she wait till the day
to see my whistling anus pay?
I invited her to my new show she is thrilled.
She bought tickets for our family on her heels.
Two two tickets for us all,
one for her, one for my father, one for my sister and one for me.
It’s gonna be too long a lesson
to educate her from the start how theater work.
I rushed onto the stage to begin the glorious moon,
I couldn’t wait to show this to my mother anytime soon.
“Dear audience do not take the piss,
I will dedicate everything to my mother, including this!”
I took out the thimble my mom gave to me,
which I drilled holes on the top.
I put the thimble between my cheek,
blocked the sight which people can usually see.
With neat rim control I played a song,
a beautiful “tu tu” nothing beyond
a man shouted “What the fuck was that you cunt?”
it’s too serious not what they want.
I rushed through the jeering straight to my mom.
“That was my act what do you think?”
“Oh, that was brilliant but I don’t understand it, honey.”
“I know, I know, that’s ok.”
I hugged my big mother and we called it a day.